To Protect a Secret
by bandobaby101
Summary: Hikari Kimura is not your typical noblewoman.  Her clan protects a dangerous secret, one that could destroy everything. When an outsider from her past keeps turning up in her life, what can she do to protect her family's secret?
1. Chapter 1

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><p>A left fist came flying at my side, but I twisted away, grabbed it, and landed a blow of my own. Dante dropped, lashing out with his legs and trying to bring me down. I chose to jump away, landing at the perimeter of the training arena. Dante made to continue the fight, but I signaled a stop.<p>

"Is anything the matter, Lady Hikari?" Dante walked up to me and leaned against the fence. I wiped sweat from my brow and tossed a glance to the main gate, which remained closed. Irritated, I pushed myself onto the top rung of the fence and started beating my heels on the lower rung. I quickly stopped, though, when I realized how childish I must have looked.

"How long does it take to return from the Seireitei with an escort?" Dante shrugged, and I sighed in frustration, burrowing my fist into the wood. Blaine, my older brother, had left a week ago to test members of the Gotei 13 for an escort position, and possible future work for the Kimura clan. He was supposed to meet me by the main gate at midmorning so I could leave on a six week training mission to the world of the living, the last piece of official training I had to do before officially becoming a member of the guard. It was now midafternoon, and there was no sign of Blaine or my escort anywhere.

I sighed again. I was already six years behind in my Kimura clan training because I decided to go to the Soul Reaper Academy. At this point, finishing my training was just a formality, I was already a recognized commander, but I wanted to finish the training. Blaine knew I was anxious to get these formalities out of the way, and he loved to test my determination to obey protocol.

I jumped off the fence and turned to Dante, about to restart the sparring session just to keep my frustration at bay, when the main gate began to open. I watched, waiting to see who would walk through it. As soon as I recognized my brother, I hopped the training arena's fence and strode toward him, arms across my chest to prevent giving in to the temptation to smack him across the head. I heard the wood in the fence groan, and I assumed Dante was following, probably to keep me from doing something disgraceful in front of an outsider.

"Sister!" Blaine called when he looked up from talking to the person he brought with him. I faintly registered bright red hair, but I was so furious at Blaine's lackadaisical attitude that I barely noticed. Blaine strode toward me. I opened my mouth to yell at him, but he pulled me into a hug, forcing all the air from my lungs. I gasped, knowing full well he did that on purpose. I tried to catch my breath so I could tell him off in an angry whisper, but he quickly released me, holding me to his right side where I could not do anything.

"This is who you'll be guarding for the next six weeks," Blaine told the Soul Reaper. I forced myself to shift my attention to the Soul Reaper; I would deal with Blaine later. The bright red hair I registered earlier was familiar, I knew somebody with that color hair at one point in time, and the hair style was the same as well. Blaine shook me slightly, causing me to lose focus, as he continued, "Make sure you do your job well; the clan could very well fall apart without her." I tried to glare at Blaine the best I could from how he held me, to show my displeasure at being shaken, but also to warn him to shut up. He was starting to get too close to letting an outsider know who I was. My glare failed, Blaine blissfully ignorant to it, and I heard Dante sigh from somewhere behind us.

I turned my attention back to the red haired Soul Reaper, trying once again to get a good look at the person who would be my escort. He looked confused, his brow furrowed like he did not know how to handle what was going on, drawing my attention to his tattoos. His brown eyes, the next place my eyes went, were warm, but filled with concern, and very familiar. I had a sinking feeling that I knew who this was.

"This, Hikari, is Renji Abarai," Blaine said just as I connected the dots myself. It was all I could do not to react. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell at Blaine, accuse him of trying to make my life miserable by choosing one of the four Soul Reapers who I counted as my friends. Instead, I forced myself to breathe.

"It's an honor to meet you, Commander," Renji said, bowing his head in respect. I took this opportunity to free my pinned arm and elbowed Blaine in the side. He grimaced, and I heard Dante sigh behind me again. Blaine deserved it, partly for bringing Renji here, but also for revealing to Renji that I was a commander. Renji lifted his head and looked at me. "Your brother tells me you're quite skilled in combat."

"So is he, if he cared to focus," I said. My voice sounded forced, my limbs felt stiff. Blaine still had his arm around my shoulders, and the weight was nearly unbearable. Renji's eyes had not left my face once, and fear shot through me.

"Dante!" My eyes flew closed as I said this. I did not want to see Renji's gaze on my face any more. I needed to get away, to get somewhere where I could think and figure out what I was going to do.

"Yes, Commander?" I opened my eyes to Dante standing at my side. I took a deep breath and turned my attention to him, trying to block Renji completely from my mind.

"I need a moment to speak with my dear brother," I said, forcing a smile on my face. I reached up and grabbed the wrist of the arm over my shoulders. "Could you please inform Renji Abarai as to the nature of this training exercise? I am reasonably sure Blaine forgot to do so." Dante nodded his consent, his eyes filled with concern. Dante had known me since I was born; he took care of my basic training when my father was too busy to do it himself. In some ways, Dante knew me better than I knew myself, but he had never seen me act this way before.

I started toward the training arenas, dragging my brother behind me. I wanted to get to the weapons' shed so I could talk to my brother in private, but I was also running from my shame. I never should have acted that way in front of an outsider, no matter who they were. I fought to keep my speed slow, my steps even. I tightened my grip on Blaine's wrist.

"Ouch, Hikari, that hurts!" Blaine was clawing at my hand, which now had a death grip on his wrist. I ignored him, continuing to pull him past the open training arenas and behind the weapons' shed. Once there, I threw him against the wall, crossing my arms over my chest, and glared at him. He yelped when he landed. I felt a tinge of regret for hurting him, but I was still furious at everything that had just happened in the last five minutes.

"Well?" I asked. Blaine was massaging his wrist. I saw the faint blush of a bruise beginning to form, but I fought the regret off. Blaine would live, it was just a bruise. Right now, though, I wanted answers.

"'Well' what?" Blaine looked at me, still rubbing his arm. He glanced back down. "Damn, Hikari, that hurt. Look, it's already starting to bruise." It was a vague question, one I honestly did not expect him to answer, but I also did not expect him to attempt a sympathy eliciting diversionary tactic. My irritation and anger at him grew.

"Why him?" I burst out. I threw my arms in the air, gesturing wildly in the direction of the main gate, where Renji would still be standing, talking with Dante. "Out of all the Soul Reapers in the Seireitei, out of all the Gotei 13, how was he the one you chose?" Blaine stopped rubbing his arm and looked at me, confusion on his face. My arms dropped to my side, my chest heaving with every breath. I wanted to yell some more, but I wanted to give Blaine time to try and answer.

"So, he is your problem, Hikari?" Blaine asked, pushing to his feet. He took a second to dust off his clothes. I waited patiently, but I really wanted to grab him and shake the answer out. "It is not the fact that I let him know you are a commander, it is not the fact that I hinted at the fact that you are nobility. It is the simple fact that I brought him to the compound." I nodded. My anger had tapered off, but tears were now threatening to make an appearance. "How well did you know him?"

I shook my head, wrapping my arms around my waist to keep from shaking. Blaine watched me, his bright green eyes, so similar to mine, taking in my every move. He was trying to figure out my reaction, trying to find a clue to my connection with Renji. My tears stopped threatening to make an appearance and did, silently streaming down my cheeks. Realization crept into his eyes, and I looked away from Blaine. I did not want to see when he finally pieced it all together. I heard a footstep, but I did not register what it was until Blaine pulled me into a hug, placing my head against his shoulder.

"I am sorry," he whispered. Sound joined my tears, and I sobbed into Blaine's shoulder, confused to where my anger went and why I had become such an emotional wreck. Blaine began stroking my head. "I did not know, Hikari. You never gave any details about your friends when you talked about your time at the Soul Reaper Academy. If I had known, or even suspected, the truth, Renji Abarai would not have chosen to be your escort. I would have found somebody else."

I do not know how long I stood there sobbing in my brother's arms. Blaine just held me, occasionally stroking my head and muttering a phrase or two in the tongue of our clan, but mostly just allowing me to get these garbled emotions out. It had been years since I had seen Renji. When we parted ways on the last day of school, I had hoped I would never see him again.

"If you don't think you can handle six weeks pretending not to know him, tell me," Blaine whispered when my sobs quieted down. I pulled back slightly so I could see his face. "I'll pull Miyako, Dante, or Hitachi from their mission and send Renji to help that group instead."

"No." I shook my head. As much as I would prefer not seeing Renji every day for six weeks, I could not allow him to get involved in an actual clan mission. If his only involvement with the Kimura clan was with one person, I could convince Daddy to never call on him for help again. What Renji could learn about our clan from only me would be minimal. "I can handle him for six weeks."

Blaine did not say anything, he just pulled me closer for a second. I started to pull away, but I stopped when I felt the shimmer of his spiritual energy flow through me. I recognized it as his glamour spell. I could not understand why he would use glamour on me, but then it dawned on me. My face was probably a wreck, and I did not have time to go and clean up if I wished to leave tonight. Blaine understood this; he was using glamour so I would not embarrass myself in front of Renji.

"Thank you," I whispered, finally pulling out of his arms. I looked to the sky, only to see the sun starting to creep into the horizon. "I should probably get going." Blaine gave me a half smile, and I tried to smile back, but the muscles around my mouth felt watery. I took a couple of breaths and forced the smile on my face. Striding around the weapons' shed, I headed toward Renji and Dante, Blaine close behind me.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Renji," I called out. Dante was staring at me, but I ignored him. If I pretended nothing was wrong, I would be fine. The minute I saw concern in somebody's eyes, though, I would be done. We would have to call the exercise off before it even began. I stopped not far from where Renji stood, and my heart started beating against my ribs. Except for some new tattoos that I could see, he looked exactly like he did the last time I saw him, down to the same ridiculous pineapple ponytail.

"Not a problem, Commander," Renji said, turning his gaze to me. My stomach started twisting as I stood under his gaze, joining my racing heart, and I grew concerned. I did not understand why I was suddenly feeling like I did when I left the compound for the first time in my life, completely terrified and nervous, but excited. I tried to ignore it, and I looked over to the main gate.

"We should leave so we can make it to the Kimura house before dark," I said. I started walking, and footsteps told me Renji was following me. I saw him on my left out of the corner of my eye, noting the fact that he was still looking at me. There seemed to be confusion in his eyes, and I looked forward again. I tried not to think about what he could be confused about. I heard Dante and Blaine start to follow us, probably to make sure I would be fine, but I tilted my head slightly to the right, an order to halt. Their footsteps faded away, leaving just Renji and I on our journey.

"I am sure both Blaine and Dante have told you this already," I said, growing uncomfortable in the silence, "but there are several requirements involved in working for the Kimura clan." I struggled to keep my focus forward. I wanted to look at him, to gaze on that familiar face I had not seen in so long. I was painfully aware of Renji's body heat at my side, and I resisted the urge to reach out and bump his hand, something I would have done when we were in school.

"The code of secrecy," Renji said. I nodded, still fighting the desire to look at him.

"I know you are probably tired of hearing about it, but it is imperative you keep to the code." We walked through the gate, and I heard the gatekeepers yell for it to close behind us. I saw the Senkaimon in the distance, and I wanted to run to get to it, to get away from Renji's careful gaze. Instead, I forced myself to continue my walk.

"Excuse me, Commander, but why is the code of secrecy so important?" We reached the Senkaimon, and I half-reluctantly turned to face Renji as the guards finished preparing it. Renji was still looking at me, and I wondered if he had looked anywhere else the entire time between the compound entrance and the Senkaimon.

"I will explain when we get to the Kimura house." I wanted to whisper it, but I forced myself to use my normal voice. Something about the way he was looking at me made me feel weak.

"The Senkaimon is ready, Commander," one of the guards said, cutting off Renji as he was about to say something else.

"Thank you." I forced myself to break away from Renji's gaze and started to enter the Senkaimon. I heard his footsteps as he hurried to keep up, but my thoughts were elsewhere. I had never felt so helpless, caught under Renji's stare like that. Before the guard had spoken, I had wanted to go up to him and let him wrap his arms around me. I wanted him to pull me close and let me rest my head under his chin. I had been completely terrified Blaine's glamour would wear off early and he would see my tear streaked face. Above all those other feelings, I feared he would somehow recognize me even though I had been wearing an elaborate glamour the last time I saw him.

Damn it, the last thing I needed was these confusing and conflicting emotions. I forced them aside and tried to focus on what was really important, the training exercise. My heart started leaping, but this time in what I knew was excitement. For the first time in my life, I was going to the world of the living with free reign to do whatever I wanted.


	2. Chapter 2

My thoughts, adrift in the colors of the sunrise, were brought back to reality when I felt the roof sink slightly beside me. I looked up as Renji sat down, his hand accidentally brushing mine. My stomach started twisting, and I drew my hand quickly into my lap. The spot on my hand where his fingers touched felt unusually warm. He did not seem to notice my reaction, though, as he settled next to me.

"Commander, what are you doing on the roof?" he asked, propping his forearms on his knees and watching the sun rise. For the first time since we entered the world of the living, his focus was not on me. I was glad, but strangely disappointed. I found my eyes lingering on the set of his jaw, and I quickly turned my attention away before my stare caught his attention.

"I could ask you the same question, Renji," I said, trying to keep calm. My stomach was still knotted from our contact, my hand tingling. It felt like his fingers were still resting on my hand. I brought my hand to my heart, wondering why I still felt a ghost of his touch.

The silence continued as the sun crept its way into the sky. I kept glancing sideways, waiting to see what it was he had wanted. Renji said nothing, his focus completely on the rising sun. He was not going to say anything, I could tell in the way he was leaning back. I allowed my thoughts drift again, this time to a moment similar to this one…

_I sat on the roof of my barrack, watching the morning sky start to lighten. Everything was peaceful, and I let myself think about the last five years of my life. I had come to the Soul Reaper Academy to perfect my skills, to become a better warrior. I could realistically leave now, but I did not want to. I wanted one more year to live like an outsider._

_"What are you doing?" I jumped, my heart momentarily stopping in surprise. I took a breath to relax and turned to watch Renji climb onto the roof and make his way over to me._

_"You startled me," I said as he sat next to me. "I did not think anyone would be awake at this hour."_

_"If my mind would let me sleep, I wouldn't be awake." Renji bumped my shoulder with his as he sat down. A strand of his red hair tickled my cheek, and I brushed it away. "I was hoping somebody would be willing to spar with me before breakfast." I bowed my head and smiled. I had definitely spent too much time with Renji over the years. Sparring when bored was something I did at all hours of the day or night, and it seemed Renji had picked up on that habit._

_"Not this morning, Renji," I said, drawing my knees to my chest and resting my head on them. "Maybe after dinner."_

_"All right, what's wrong?" I looked at Renj. He was sitting with his knees bent, his forearms resting on them. His chocolate eyes were on me, narrowed slightly and waiting for an answer._

_"What makes you think something is wrong?" I asked, turning my attention back to the sky. "I am perfectly fine."_

_"Mmm-hmmmm." I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder and I was pulled back against Renji. My heart started beating faster, my muscles tensed. My face and neck grew warm, and I knew I was probably turning as red as Renji's hair. This was the first time Renji had done anything like this. I fought the desire to flee, but I also resisted the temptation to lay my head on his chest. I tried to relax, but my muscles refused to listen._

_"Can I just watch a sunrise in peace?" I whispered. Renji's arm tightened around my shoulders, his hand gently massaging my shoulder. I wanted to move away, but Renji's grip was strong. "Why does something have to be wrong in order for me to not want to spar?"_

_"It's not that you don't want to spar, Hotaru," Renji whispered. I felt his breath on my forehead, and I knew he was looking at me. I struggled to keep my breathing steady. My neck hurt from trying to hold my head away from Renji's shoulder. Reluctantly, I let my head fall back and scolded myself for acting childish. I had been in his arms before; this was no different than the other times. "You jumped when I showed up. You never get startled unless something is bothering you."_

_My muscles finally relaxed, and I let my eyes close halfway. He was just a concerned friend, and he was worried, that was all. I watched the sun start to peek over the horizon, and I tried to let my thoughts drift again. My thoughts would not go, though. They kept drifting to the weight of Renji's arm across my shoulders and the shape of his muscles beneath his kosode._

_"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Renji gently asked, his breath still dancing across my forehead. I shook my head. What could I tell him? In a year, I would be leaving the Seireitei and heading back to the Kimura compound. I would never see my friends again, never enjoy simple moments like this with them. Everything my life had become would never exist again. A stray tear found its way to my eye, and I brushed it away._

_"It is our last year," I whispered. I turned a bit toward Renji and weakly clutched at his kosode with my left hand. "It is our last year to spend like this."_

_"Hotaru," Renji whispered. His right hand found my left and clenched it gently. He pulled me closer, his left hand drifting down my arm and resting on my elbow. I tensed. The situation had changed. I could no longer reason away Renji's gesture as one of simple friendship. In a matter of seconds, it had started to become a gesture of romance. His breath was warm against my cheek, and I pushed away. My heart was racing. This could not happen._

_Renji's arm tightened, but he slowly let me go. As soon as I could move, I sat up and tried to put some distance between us without actually moving. The last colors of the sunrise hung in the sky, but they did not have their usual calming effect on me. My heart was still racing, my head spinning with unanswered questions._

I blinked my memory away. I thought Renji had asked me a question, but it was so quiet, I was unsure if I had actually heard it through my thoughts. When I turned to look at him, though, his gaze was on me, and I knew he had spoken.

"I am sorry, I did not catch that." It took a lot to keep me from stuttering, but I succeeded. I was immobilized by his gaze, but I managed to look back to the horizon. The sun was almost up, but, once again, the usual calm I experienced at this moment was nonexistent. I had an idea of what Renji had asked. The sunrise must have brought back the same memory for him.

"There was a girl I went to the Soul Reaper Academy with, her name was Hotaru Akiyama," Renji said, breaking off his gaze and looking to the sky. I flinched at the name. In my memories, I had no problems hearing that name, but hearing Renji say it brought a flood of regret to all the decisions I had made. "She wanted to be a member of the Kimura clan's personal guard more than anything. I was wondering if you knew her."

I should have prepared an answer earlier. It was only natural Renji would ask about Hotaru if he met anyone from the Kimura clan, I just never thought I would be the one stuck answering questions about a person who only existed for six years. The last streaks of red began to vanish from the sky, and I wanted nothing more than to vanish with them.

"Soul Reapers are quite uncommon, there are only eight members in our Soul Reaper unit right now," I answered. I forced myself to my feet and stretched, trying to pretend that his question did not bother me in the slightest. "If any Soul Reapers petitioned to join the clan in the past few decades, they would still be in specialized training right now with members of the normal guard."

I started walking to the staircase that would take me into the house, but a movement caught my eye. Turning back to Renji, I watched his back slump, hands going to his forehead. His eyes were closed, and I saw what looked like regret on his features. My heart ached. Renji had hoped I, a commander of the guard, would have information on Hotaru's well-being. He still cared for her a lot, so long after we had finished school. I wanted to go to him, pull him into my arms, and let him know the truth. I could not, though. Anything that would risk tying Renji to the Kimura clan had to be avoided. He had his own life to lead once this training exercise was over, and I could not be part of it.

I tried not to think of it as I walked into the house. It bothered me I had to lie to him. My answer to his question was technically true, but I would have known if somebody was in specialized training. A petition to enter the Soul Reaper unit had to be approved by the commander of that unit, and that had been my post since I returned home. If Hotaru Akiyama had been a real person who had a choice about joining the Kimura clan, I would have known who she was a long time ago.

I wandered down the stairs, trying to figure out why lying to Renji bothered me so much and why I kept reacting the way I did around him. I could not figure it out. I had lied to him for six years, and it never bothered me then as much as it did now. I exited the staircase, still pondering what was going on, but hesitated as I entered the landing. There was a faint spiritual pressure downstairs, one I should have felt a while before. I focused on it. It was too weak to be Blaine, even if he was shielding his power. I knew who it was, though. Heading to the main staircase, I went to go deal with my guest.

"My lady, would you care for breakfast this morning?" I had barely entered the kitchen when Sunako, one of my family's servants from home, realized I was there. She stood by the far counter, sorting groceries from a bag she must have picked up on her way here.

"Sunako, why are you here?" I leaned against the door jam and watched her work. I was comforted by her familiar form working at menial tasks, but I was reasonably sure Blaine had sent her to keep an eye on me. Sunako knew me better than even Dante; she was my primary caregiver after my mother's death while Daddy dealt with the loss and still ran the clan. She would be the natural first choice if Blaine was concerned for my mental well being, and after my reaction the day before, I was positive he was concerned.

"Lord Blaine sent me." Sunako set down a jar of something I could not identify and turned to face me. "He said there was a situation here you might need my help with."

"I would not exactly call it a situation," I began, but I was cut off when Sunako walked to me and pulled me into a hug.

"Your brother told me everything, sweetheart," she whispered. I let Sunako hold me tight, the warmth of her hug dispelling all the ghosts of my past. I wanted to stay there forever, protected from what I did not want to face, but I pulled away when I felt Renji's spiritual pressure leave the roof.

"I am grateful Blaine sent you," I grabbed her hands as I spoke, trying to keep some of the comfort of her hug, "but I need you to refrain from using my title when there is an outsider in the house." I knew Sunako would be one of the last people to slip up, her family had been loyal members of the clan for generations, but all it would take was one small slip up and Renji's fate would be sealed. Sunako nodded her understanding and moved away to finish unpacking and start some breakfast.

"Commander, is everything all right?" Renji walked into the kitchen. He had moved faster than I thought, I barely had time to prepare myself for his presence. I turned and saw him grasping the hilt of his zanpakuto, just in case I was in trouble.

"Everything is fine, Renji," I said, walking to him and keeping myself between him and Sunako. The last thing I needed was Renji trying to protect me from my servant. "Blaine decided to send somebody to help around the house." I stopped two feet from Renji, my heart racing once again. I did not understand why my heart started pounding every time I got close to him, but it was getting frustrating. Stepping aside, I let Renji see Sunako as she placed a skillet on the stove. If Renji decided Sunako was a threat, I could stop him easily enough, but I hoped he would see that she was just a helpful servant.

"Renji, this is Sunako," I said. Sunako turned from the stove and bowed to Renji. Renji's hand tightened on the hilt, and I felt panic, thinking I would have to intervene. "She is one of the servants who live at the compound." Renji slowly let go of his zanpakuto, glancing at me briefly to make sure I was fine. I gave a nod of approval. I needed Sunako here, and I needed Renji to trust her. "Sunako, this is my escort, Renji Abarai."

"It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Abarai." Sunako returned to her duties at the stove, the food she had started filling the air with delicious smells. My stomach started turning. As much as I loved eating Sunako's cooking, to do so now would make me sick. "The gigai the clan ordered for you are in the hall, Hikari." I did not respond. I did not trust myself to open my mouth.

"Commander, are you ill?" Renji asked. I must have started looking as ill as I felt. Shaking my head, I headed to the hall. I turned to close the door, but ended up running into Renji, who had been right on my heels. He put his hands on my shoulders to steady me as I hurried to step back and lost my balance. We were too close; my cheeks grew warm at his touch. I could not tell if the twisting of my stomach was from the nausea or from his closeness. It was probably a combination of both.

"Close the door," I gasped, trying not to breathe in any more air than necessary. I turned my head away, trying to hide my blush from Renji. He let me go, turning to pull the door shut, and I took the opportunity to back away.

"Is something wrong?" Renji asked when he turned back to me. I shook my head, able to breathe now that the smells of the food were locked in the room with Sunako. Renji took a step toward me. "Commander?" I wrapped my arms around my waist.

"Nothing is wrong, Renji." I looked up, hoping the blush was gone. There was concern and confusion in his eyes. He was worried, but he was unsure how to handle what had just happened. "I get ill around food sometimes, that is all." Déjà vu struck me as I watched Renji's eyes narrow slightly. He had heard me say those words before, years ago. My intolerance of food was something I had not been able to hide when I was at school. I could not let Renji figure out I was Hotaru.

"I need some fresh air," I mumbled, turning and heading down the hall. I heard his footsteps echo on the walls behind me, so I stopped. "Renji, stay and eat some breakfast. I promise I will not leave the yard." I heard his step scuffle on the floor as he hesitated. I closed my eyes, hoping he would turn and head back to the kitchen. I needed some space. I needed time to figure out what I was going to do.

I heard the kitchen door slam shut once more. I had been so focused on hoping Renji would leave that I did not hear him head back toward the kitchen.. Opening my eyes, I tossed a glance over my shoulder, just in case he was still in the hall. He was not. I took off running. I needed to get outside.

I found myself seated in the branches of an old oak tree with a perfect view of the front door of the house. If Renji or Sunako came to find me, I would see them long before they found me. This morning's events were still swirling through my mind. I hoped everything that happened was not a sign of what was still to come on this training exercise. The last thing I needed was to lose my mind from anxiety.

I leaned back and looked at the sky through the leaves. The weather was perfect, not a cloud to be seen. I wished my emotional state was like that. It seemed every time I turned around, I was running into Renji and reacting in unexpected ways. I was tired of my heart pounding and my stomach knotting when I was close enough to touch him. At one point last night, my lungs refused to function properly. I had never reacted like that around anybody before.

"Commander Hikari, I take it you like heights." I almost fell out of the tree as Renji's voice floated up to me, my breath catching in surprise. I did not recall seeing him leave the house, and I realized I must have been really lost in my thoughts. I looked down and watched him lean against the trunk, arms crossed and eyes watching me. My chest tightened under his gaze. He would find me before I figured out what I needed.

"Heights are the best place to think," I said, dropping out of the branches and landing next to Renji. I had not been paying attention to the ground, still caught up in what I needed to do, and landed on an uneven spot. I lost my balance slightly, and I attempted to regain it. Renji instantly moved to grab me, but I waved him off. My cheeks started growing warm again at the thought of him catching me, and I forced my attention to other thoughts. The warmth in my cheeks quickly left, and Renji stayed back.

"Do you have any plans for the day, Commander?" I had been about to head back to the house, but I stopped. I had been so caught up in trying to act like everything was fine, I almost forgot the reason why I was in the world of the living.

"I am supposed to learn how to blend in amongst the humans," I thought aloud. I needed to focus my thoughts as well as answer Renji's question, and this seemed the best way to do it. I started walking toward the house, Renji falling in step beside me. "We should probably go spend the day in the nearby town."

"Is that a wise idea, Commander?" Renji asked. I half turned to look at him, wondering where he was going with this. He was easily keeping pace with me, his attention forward. A slight blush brightened his cheeks, and I wondered from what. "If you're sick, we should probably stay close to the house."

"We are going to town, I am fine." I reached the front door of the house and reached for the handle. As I did, though, I realized something.

"I still have not given you the explanation I promised yesterday, am I correct?" I pulled open the door and entered. Renji followed me in, grabbing the door from me and shutting it himself. I let him, moving as quickly as I could into the entrance hall.

"No, Commander, you haven't."

"Follow me." I headed out of the entrance hall, passing the gigai Sunako mentioned earlier. When I reached the first door on the right, I entered the living room and headed to one of the armchairs. I took a seat and watched Renji hesitate slightly, gravitating towards a second armchair beside mine or the couch across from me, before taking a seat on the couch. As he settled into his seat, relief spread through me. If Renji had chosen to sit by me, it would have been impossible for me to concentrate. I would not have been able to move away without revealing to Renji how uncomfortable he made me.

"What I am about to tell you does not get shared with anybody, Renji, do you understand?" I began, forcing my thoughts to something other than how I felt. I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees and resting my chin on my folded fingers. "The explanation you want is not to be shared."

"I understand." Renji shifted in his seat, looking around at everything crammed into the room. I waited until his eyes settled on me, but I shifted uncomfortably when they did. There was a flicker of something that looked like recognition in his eyes. Was it possibly Blaine's glamour had not been perfect and Renji now knew who I was? Did something I do or say tip him off?

I shook my head of this thought. What I thought was recognition was gone, replaced by curiosity. Blaine's glamour had been perfect, we had tested it before I left for school. There was no way Renji would recognize me, and any slip up I made would hardly clue him in this quickly. I watched his eyes wander around the room again.

"Tell me what you know of the Kimura clan," I said. Renji blinked, his attention turning to me from the ornate fireplace. He pondered the question, his eyes not leaving my face. I few times, he opened his mouth, probably to start an explanation, but he did not say anything. I waited, trying not to fidget under those familiar eyes.

"I don't know a lot, mostly rumors that have been floating around the Seireitei for years," he said. I waited. He would tell me the rumors, but not if I interrupted him. "I know the family is one of the four noble houses, and they used to live in the Seireitei like other nobles. For some reason, the head of the family decided to leave and set up a compound."

"What reasons have you heard for our move to the compound?" I leaned back in my seat. Renji's gaze drifted to one of the portraits on the wall. He was obviously trying to decide which rumor to use.

"These are just rumors," he said, trying to make it clear to me he did not believe what he was saying, "but some people say the Kimura clan is trying to stage a takeover of the Soul Society. Others think the clan left because they found out something that could destroy the Soul Society and are trying to keep it hidden." He leaned forward, his eyes back on me. "I honestly don't know what to believe."

I leaned forward again, assessing what Renji said. I could tell he did not believe the takeover rumor. I chuckled at the thought of my family trying to gain control and rule the Soul Society. It was hard enough maintaining the two hundred to three hundred servants and guards who made up the clan. Renji was uncertain about the second rumor, though. The way he said it told me as much.

"We do know something we are trying to protect the Soul Society from," I said, smiling. The takeover rumor still amused me; I would have to let Blaine know when I got home. "The secret we are hiding from everyone has the potential to destroy everything if used wrong." I stood up and headed to the window, my smile drifting off my face as I thought of my family's secret. I looked at my reflection, barely registering what I saw. My left arm was across my body, unconsciously reaching for the tattoo on my right shoulder. I dropped my arm back to my side and drew a ragged breath. If this secret did not exist, my life would be so different right now.

"Commander…"

"Do not ask what this secret is, Renji, I cannot, and will not, tell you." I turned to face him, fear building in my heart. If he found out what the secret was, he would be destroyed. It would consume his life, like it had done to all the members of the clan.

Renji had stood up when my back was turned. My outburst had shocked him, I could see it on his face and in his stance. He had not been expecting an explanation quite like this.

"If I told you the secret, you would never be able to return to your post in the Gotei 13," I whispered, wrapping my arms around my waist. "I would either have to kill you, or you would have to join the clan." Tears filled my eyes as I thought of my option. I could never kill Renji, I could not even think of it. The very idea of raising a blade against him made me sick. But death would be better than being the other option. Renji would be forced to endure complete isolation from everything he knew.

Renji sunk back into his seat, and I briefly wondered what he had planned to do when he stood originally. I disregarded the thought. What he had been planning to do was not important, it was what he planned to do with the information I had just given him. I hoped for his sake he would keep his mouth shut, even around members of the clan. If Blaine had heard all I had said, Renji would be the next member of the Soul Reaper unit. I turned back to the window.

"When you agreed to take the job of being my escort, you agreed to the code of secrecy. You agreed to keep anything you learn during your time with the clan to yourself. You have also agreed not to use my title where outsiders can hear. Do you understand?"

"I understand why I need to keep quiet about anything I learn in the clan." Renji's voice was quiet. He was obviously still trying to process everything I just told him. "I don't understand why I need to keep quiet about your title."

"Outside of the compound or the Kimura house, the knowledge that I am a commander can cause great harm to the family," I whispered. "Blaine never should have told you I was a commander to begin with. As a commander, I know the full extent of what the secret can do. The only other people in the clan who know that are the other commanders and the family. Others in the clan know what they are protecting, but they do not know what type of damage it can do. If somebody intends to harm the family and finds out who the commanders are, they will use us. It has been done before."

I felt the dead air that indicated somebody was standing close behind me. I turned to find Renji standing not even a foot away, one hand partially reaching out like he was going to put it on my shoulder. He dropped his hand, and my stomach lurched. I could not understand what he was doing. Why did he feel the need to come stand by me? Could he not tell his very presence was tearing me apart?

"Have you…?" he whispered. He did not need to finish, I knew what he was asking. I nodded, my throat too dry to speak. I had been targeted before, when I was a child, but by somebody trying to get my father to talk. Renji's warmth extended to me, and I found myself rocking forward slightly to be closer. "I'm sorry." Renji seemed to move closer than my brief movement. I saw his hand reach out to me again, and static seemed to form between my hand and his. My eyes locked with his, and I found myself drowning in the chocolate sea of concern and care. I wanted to collapse into his arms, I wanted…

Renji's hand dropped, the barest brush of his fingers caressing my arm and hand pulling me out of his gaze. He moved away, and I released the breath I had been holding. My chest felt tight, my heart beating wildly against my ribs. My stomach felt like it was being pulled in several directions. These reactions had been happening ever since Blaine brought Renji to the compound, but never this bad. This time, I was overwhelmed by the same wave of confusing and conflicting emotions I felt when I had to say good-bye.

"It would be easier if I didn't use your title at all." Renji was back in his seat, staring at one of the decorations on the far wall, his head propped on his hand. I could not process what he said, my mind still swirling from what happened. I forced myself to piece together what he asked. Once I realized what he said, though, I knew he was right. It was hard enough to train the new members of the guard when it was proper to use titles, and most of them grew up knowing the rules.

"If you find it easier to call me 'Hikari' at all times, I will not stop you," I said, moving to the door. I wanted to bolt for it. I wanted to run as far and as fast as I could, to get as far away from Renji as I could. If I ran, though, I knew Renji would follow. He would be concerned for my well-being, and he would ask questions I could not answer. I barely knew how I was, how could I tell him? "I want to leave for town in twenty minutes. Meet me out front in your gigai then."

"I understand, Hikari." Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Renji still in his seat, still staring at the far wall. He looked as confused as I felt, and my stomach knotted again. I did not want to cause him any trouble. What Renji had tried to do was comfort me, I was sure of it. As far as he was concerned, we had only met yesterday. I wanted to know what had him confused, but I could not ask him. Whatever it was, it could only mean further entanglement in the clan. I tried to keep calm as I left the room. As soon as I turned the corner, though, I bolted to the stairs and up to my room, not caring if he saw me.


	3. Chapter 3

I sat at a picnic table in the town's park and watched a group of children play with their dog. The dog took off, children following, and I smiled. My smile left quickly, though, as I wondered where Renji was. Something had been bothering him when we left the barrier that morning, and it got worse as we went through town. His irritation had been adding to my already high levels of frustration, so I ordered him to investigate. Renji had refused at first. It was his job to protect me when we were in town, and my order was conflicting with his job. I finally convinced him I would be fine in the five minutes it would take him, but barely. The entire time I could see him, he kept looking over his shoulder, checking to see if I was fine.

I was glad I successfully convinced Renji to go investigate. I still needed time to think about everything that had happened in the three days since the training exercise had begun, or, more accurately, what had not happened. Whatever had driven Renji to act the way he did seemed to have passed. He has been nothing but a good escort since our conversation, carefully maintaining a distance I could deal with.

I shook my head and focused on the children's antics. I had tried not to get too attached to anyone at school. My father's one condition in allowing me to go was I had to return to the compound after six years. Being close to anyone would have complicated things considerably. And yet, despite my best efforts, I found myself making friends. Renji, in particular, seemed to find a way into my life. When the time came to say good-bye…

I sighed, stretching my neck back to look at the sky. Thinking about saying good-bye had made my heart skip a beat. Renji no longer had to be near me to make my heart ache and my head spin. I had no idea what to do about these reactions, and I still had five and a half weeks to deal with them. I wanted to talk to Sunako about them, but I could not. She would tell Blaine. If Blaine knew how much trouble Renji's presence was causing me, he would cancel the entire exercise. If I wanted to finish, I would have to wait for Dante, Miyako, or Hitachi to be done with their mission. I was sick of pushing my training off. If this exercise was cancelled, I would most likely just end up becoming the first Kimura to not officially finish training.

The dog barked, startling me. I looked up to see the kids and their dog leaving. One of the kids waved to me, and I waved back, smiling. As soon as they were out of eye sight, though, the smile slid off my face. I slammed myself backward, enjoying the pain as the edge of the picnic table dug into my back. Drawing my knees to my chest, I tilted my head back again and let my thoughts wander to what I should do. I could handle Renji being nearby most of the time, especially when he was acting like an escort should. I could easily act like I never knew him, unless I caught him looking at me like he recognized me.

He never said anything about it, never voiced any suspicions about who I could possibly be. It was driving me mad trying to figure out if he actually did recognize me. My appearance was not too different from what the glamour was. At the time, Blaine was only capable of performing subtle glamour for long periods of time, but the differences were enough that even Daddy had problems recognizing me. I had to remind Renji of Hotaru, it was the only explanation why he would look at me like he did.

Sighing, I put my feet back on the ground, sitting forward enough to remove the picnic table from my back. I could not ask Renji who I reminded him of, the pain I would feel if my suspicions were correct would be unbearable. A few people wandered past, and I watched them. I let my mind wander, trying to find something else to think of. I felt a hint of spiritual energy, and I directed my focus to it, trying to determine if it was Renji…

What was I doing? I shook my head and started studying the grain on the table, furious with myself. I was not a child who needed somebody to watch her. Renji had been gone for barely ten minutes. He would return as soon as his mind was at ease about whatever was bothering him earlier. Until then, I could wait patiently where he left me. I was perfectly safe where I was.

"Hikari, we need to leave." I jumped, dragged from my thoughts by Renji's voice. I looked up to see him standing behind me, bewildered at the fact I missed his approach when I was otherwise always aware of his presence. I wanted to complain about leaving so early in the day, but I stopped. Renji's attention was not on me. Instead, he was looking somewhere in the distance, worry written everywhere on his face and in his body. I frowned. This was not his usual tension, but something else.

"Is something wrong, Renji?" I asked, getting to my feet. Renji did not answer, but he grabbed my arm and started pulling me out of the park. I flinched at the sudden contact, but I followed, chewing my bottom lip. Something was definitely not right. Now that I was paying attention, the air itself seemed different, almost heavy and dark. I knew this feeling from somewhere, but I could not place it.

The air changed again as we made the edge of the park. It was not quite as heavy, but it was definitely dark, almost hostile. My left hand, severely limited in mobility due to an old training accident, began aching as the hostility grew. Renji's grip on my arm tightened, and he began trembling. My worry grew. Renji had never been one to let his emotions show like that.

"Hollow," he whispered. I blinked before looking at him in surprise. How I did not recognize it earlier, I do not know. The sensation in the air was indeed that of a Hollow's presence, and one quite close at that. Renji began tugging at my arm again, trying to get me out of there before the Hollow appeared. I obeyed. If a Hollow was in the area, there was not much I could do. I left all my weapons at the compound.

Something connected with my stomach, lifting my feet off the ground and sending me flying. I could not catch my breath. I felt Renji's fingers dig into my arm as he tried to shield me with his body. We hit the ground, the momentum from the blow tearing us apart. His nails tore chunks of flesh off, and I felt blood start welling at the wounds. Gasping, I rolled to my stomach and pushed myself to my feet. Renji had to be nearby, I had to find him.

"What have we here?" I looked up to see the Hollow standing before me. It was crouched like an overgrown toad, but there were sets of tentacles where the front limbs should have been. Boils on its back bubbled and popped, leaking some type of nasty reddish-brown liquid down its side. The smell coming from the liquid was horrendous; it was all I could do not to gag. "You're not a human, are you girlie?"

Blood trickled down my right arm, momentarily distracting me from the Hollow. The injury Renji accidentally inflicted must be deeper than I thought. I clamped my left hand over the marks, trying to stop the bleeding. My ribs throbbed, and I knew some of them were fractured if not completely broken. Each breath sent new waves of agony through my body. My legs shook, but I forced myself to stay standing. I could not show weakness before this creature. To do so would mean death. Trying not to take my eyes off it, I tried to see where Renji landed through slowly darkening vision.

"Well, I don't care what you are," the Hollow hissed, stepping toward me. One of the boils popped, sending some of the liquid right at me. I took a shaky step back, trying not to touch it. I did not know what it was, but it could not be good. "I'll eat your soul, and then I'll eat the soul of your boyfriend."

I gave up trying to subtly find Renji. He had to be somewhere close by. My stomach heaved as the smell from the liquid grew worse and my concern over Renji grew. He was in danger; the Hollow would go after him as soon as it could. I had to warn him. He had to get out of here before the Hollow turned its attention to him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw tentacles fly at me as the Hollow attacked. I tried to jump away, but my legs gave way under me. The tentacles caught my left ankle, and I found myself suspended upside-down over the Hollow's head. Another tentacle wrapped around my neck. I grabbed it, trying to keep it from strangling me, but it was no use. Stars started spinning around my head as my lungs burned.

"Renji," I forced out with the last of my air. Everything was black, my lungs screamed for precious oxygen, but my mind was on Renji. It was my fault if he died, my fault he was in this mess to begin with…

_"Why do you want to be a Soul Reaper, Hotaru?" Renji asked me. "You don't seem to care about getting into the Gotei 13." I lowered my book and looked at him over the top. He was leaning against the cherry tree, watching me with those brown eyes._

_"I do not care about getting into the Gotei 13," I said. "In fact, that is the last thing I care about."_

_"But don't you want to live in the Seireitei?" Renji leaned forward and I raised my book up. "Don't you want to live in the best situation possible?"_

_"There is more to life than luxury, Renji."_

Fire burned the blackness from my vision as I felt my spine crunch against something. My burning lungs soothed as I greedily inhaled oxygen. I was no longer suspended above the Hollow's head, but laying on something hard and warm. I tried to focus through my fogged vision. Copper and earth filled my mouth. I had to be on the ground somewhere. I tried to push myself up, but my arms shook under my weight. I collapsed, hitting my jaw on the ground and biting my tongue. It hurt to move. It felt like somebody was digging through my skin with a sharpened stick.

I tried to roll to my side, to take some of my weight off my throbbing ribs. My clothes clung to me, and I grabbed them. They were wet, but not like they were in water. It was a thick wetness, almost like some sort of gel or mucus had been poured on me. It had to be the stuff the Hollow was secreting, there was nothing else that made sense.

The Hollow! I tried to push myself up again, but I did not get far. I lay there, trying to listen for something to clue me in to what happened. I should not be alive right now; the Hollow should have eaten me. I heard a yell somewhere in the distance.

"Renji?" I whispered. That one word sent me into a coughing fit. I barely managed to cover my mouth with my hand. When I pulled my hand away, I saw it covered in blood. In some distant corner of my mind, I registered burning on my skin and the hand I touched my clothes with. It felt like my very soul was burning. I was certain some of this damage would translate from the gigai to my actual form.

I had to move, I could not just keep lying there. I moved my arms, trying to find something to help me get up. My vision was still blurred from the impact, I could not see if the Hollow was nearby or if there was something that could help me. There was nothing in my immediate area, so I tried to feel further away. My limbs became harder to control as I went. My connection with my gigai was starting to fail. Some of the burning and throbbing faded away, but not enough.

My fingers brushed something. I hesitated, unsure if I should trust whatever I found or if I should continue to lie there and wait for somebody to come help me. Slowly, my fogged brain recognized the texture as that of tree bark. I started pushing myself to it. Each inch I moved sent needles dancing through my nerves. My vision started darkening again, but I pushed on. I could not lie there anymore. My lower back hit the tree, sending a new wave of fire through my back. I bit my lip to keep from screaming as I sat up.

"Roar, Zabimaru!" I heard the yell come from a distance. Confusion swept through me as I struggled to identify who it was, but comprehension followed quickly. Zabimaru was the name of Renji's zanpakuto. He was still alive, still able to fight. I closed my eyes, my vision swimming from the slowly growing throb in my chest. Despite it all, I was relieved. Renji would be fine. I could relax. I heard a distant roar, but I did not think anything of it. I let relief carry me back to the darkness.

"Hikari!" I opened my eyes to see a bright red pineapple floating before me. I blinked a couple of times before Renji's face came into focus. There was blood on his cheek and forehead, and I wanted more than anything to wipe it from his face.

"You're alive," I whispered. I started coughing again, and I fought my gigai to cover my mouth. I could not do it, though, and more specks of blood joined that already on him. He barely flinched. I noticed he was not wearing the shirt he had put for town, but instead was in his shihakusho. "Where's your gigai?"

"Forget that, Hikari," he whispered. I saw him lift his hand to my face, felt him wipe the blood from my mouth. His fingers rested on my cheek. "We need to get you help." I wanted to protest his touch, but I was fighting to keep my eyes open. Everything was growing numb.

"Go get Sunako," I whispered. "Blaine…" I started coughing again, and Renji moved his hand from my cheek. He placed it behind my head, his other arm wrapping around my waist, as he pulled me to his chest. My head rested on his shoulder, and he covered my mouth with his neck. I tried to fight him, but every movement sent jabs of agony through me.

"I'm not leaving you," Renji said, still holding me close. "Not like this, and definitely not after that Hollow was here." I wanted to argue, but I could not afford another coughing fit. My vision was starting to fade again, and I struggled to stay awake. Every nerve in my body was screaming, and even Renji's touch, as gentle as it was, was nothing but agony.

I had to convince him to get Blaine. I weakly struggled in Renji's grip, but I had lost almost all connection to my gigai. The world grew dark. "Please…"


	4. Chapter 4

**If you have been following my story, I suggest you go back and reread the first three chapters. With the help of two friends, I have been working and editing each chapter, starting with the first one. As such, the flow and tone has changed a bit from what it was when I first uploaded this story, so I strongly suggest going back and rereading, partly because a few more memories or important information has been added.**

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><p><em>The first years Renji and I were helping with Kido training did not know what they were doing, that much was obvious. Renji was barely better as a third year, but at least he only blew himself up when his Kido went wrong. The brown-haired guy could not even form a simple Kido, and his partner had no control over her aim. I ducked as another misfired Byakurai flew my direction.<em>

"_I'm sorry!" the girl called out. I stood, throwing a weary look to where Renji was trying to help the guy perform Sho. We had been at this for an hour, and they had so far only succeeded in annoying me. Renji did not notice my gaze, so I reluctantly turned back to the girl._

"_Try again," I said, pointing to the target. The girl nodded and started muttering the incantation. I turned and walked a few feet away, hoping to avoid another near miss. Behind me, I heard Renji berate the guy about concentration, and I chuckled. The lecture sounded very similar to one I had given Renji a few nights ago during our after dinner training session. At least some of what I said during training made an impression; there were times where I wondered._

"_Oh, no!" I heard the girl call out. I turned, hearing the hiss of air as the Byakurai seared it, and saw it heading straight at Renji and the boy._

"_Renji! Look out!" Panic filled me. I saw Renji look up. Grabbing the boy, Renji fell to the ground, the Byakurai singeing the end of his ponytail as it soared over them._

_I sighed, relief filling me as I let my right hand fall back to my side. I had not even realized I had been gripping my kosode over my heart. The girl fell to her knees beside me, shaking from what just happened._

"_Hotaru, we're going to move," Renji called out, sending the boy ahead of him. I waved acknowledgement and turned my attention to the stricken girl._

"_I can't do this," she whispered. Her hands clenched the cloth of her hakama, knuckles turning white. "There's no way I will be able to master Kido."_

"_You will." I knelt beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She jumped, and I understood why. The entire time I had been helping her, I had barely said a word outside of instructions to improve. I had stayed distant, but that tactic obviously was not working with this girl. "You just need to focus. If your concentration is weak, the Kido will go anywhere."_

_The girl did not look convinced. I sighed, looking up to see if I could see where Renji had gone to. Maybe switching students for awhile would prove successful._

"_Stay here. Either Renji or I will be back to continue your instruction in a moment," I said, standing. The girl nodded, and I headed in the direction I had seen the boy walk in. They would not have gone too far._

_I saw a flash of red against the green of the trees and started moving faster. Somewhere in the forest, I heard a tree crack ominously. One of the trees in front of me started swaying, and my stomach dropped. The rogue Byakurai from moments before had damaged a tree severely, and it was falling right at Renji and the boy._

"_Look out!" I called, breaking into a full out run. The boy looked, shock in his face. Renji was already out of harm's reach, the boy successfully performing Sho mere moments earlier. I ran past Renji, trying to figure out how to handle the situation. The tree was falling too fast, I would not have time to grab the boy and get clear. I had time to push him out of the way and hope the damage was not too severe._

_I shoved the boy as hard as I could. He tumbled to safety, landing several feet away from where he had been. I felt a hand wrap around my right wrist and pull me back. Renji was trying to get me to safety, but my feet tangled under me and I fell on my back. I gasped for air as I felt another tug. I moved a few more inches just as the tree landed, pinning my left hand underneath._

_Fire roared up my arm as I felt every bone in my hand shatter. I heard screaming, but I could not figure out who it was. My lungs burned, and I tried to breath. The noise stopped, and I realized I had been the one screaming. I could not feel any part of my hand or arm, every nerve seemed filled with molten metal. Spots filled my vision._

"_Hotaru!" I heard Renji yell. I turned my head to look at him. He was kneeling beside me. I saw his hands clenching my right hand, but I could not feel him touch. His face kept blurring as I tried to focus on it, but the pain had reached a point where all I could do was wish it would stop._

I opened my eyes, confused to where I was and what happened. The dream trickled from my thoughts as the last rays of sun left the room, letting me know it was sundown. Beyond that, I did not know when it was. The last thing I could clearly recall was sitting at the park, watching children play with their dog as I waited for Renji to return. I brought my hand to head, trying to remember more, and felt a bandage.

"Oh, good, you finally woke up." I looked to see Blaine walking in the door, his bag of medical tools slung over his shoulder and one of his fake smiles plastered on his face. He walked to the night table, placing his bag on it, and turned to look at me, hands planted on his hips. "You ever scare me like that again and I'll make sure you're locked in the compound the rest of your life."

"What happened?" It had taken me several seconds to speak, my throat felt like a desert. I looked around for a glass of water, but I could not find one.

"Do not make me list your injuries, Hikari," Blaine said, turning to his bag and opening it. "By the time I healed you enough so you would not die on me, I had to sleep for a day to regain enough energy to continue." I tried to sit up, still looking for a glass of water, but Blaine saw and put his hand on my shoulder to stop me.

"How long…?" My voice felt like sandpaper, and the sound was irritating. Blaine pulled a flask out of his bag and handed it to me. I heard the slosh of water and started greedily drinking. Water had never tasted so good.

"It took me about a day to heal the injuries that would and might kill you," he said, turning to rummage through his bag again, "and a day for me to recover…"

"Blaine, answer me," I cut in, putting the water down. I did not want the details, they were not important. I wanted to know how much time I wasted recovering. Blaine stopped rummaging and looked at me, holding some device in his hand I could only identify as one of his inventions. There were two identical parts made out of what appeared to be a dark wood, connected by two strips of a pale fabric. Each part had three bars, two that criss-crossed and one connected them across the top. It kind of reminded me of something I saw in town. All in all, it was one of Blaine's simpler inventions, but an invention none-the-less.

"It has been three days since the attack." I looked away from his invention and at Blaine, the water bottle escaping my grip loosened grip and falling to the bed. I felt it roll off my legs, heard the thud as it hit the floor, but I barely processed it. I had been unconscious for three days, and I could not remember why.

"Hikari, lift your head up." I complied, still trying to figure out what happened. Blaine stuck his hand behind my head and pressed the back of my skull. I hissed in pain and brought my focus back to what was going on.

"Yeah, I know it hurts," Blaine said, grabbing his invention from where he placed it and sticking it between my head and the pillow. He adjusted the fabric so it was above and below the sore spot. "So take it as a lesson: Next time, don't use a tree to stop your momentum."

"It was not on purpose," I mumbled. The pain faded, but it still throbbed. Blaine shook his head, placing his one hand on my forehead and the other on the sore spot. I let my thoughts drift, trying not to focus on the pain as Blaine murmured in the tongue of the clan. As the pain faded, some of my memories returned. I remembered the Hollow. I remembered Renji pulling me close, putting my head on his shoulder as I coughed.

"Where is Renji?" I asked, my heart fluttering at the thought. He might have been pulled from the job, and it would have been my fault. Blaine looked up from his chant, stopping briefly.

"He's around somewhere," Blaine said before returning to his mutterings. I closed my eyes, letting the familiar syllables wash over me, along with relief. Renji was still somewhere in the house or on the grounds, which means my father and my brother did not pull him from the job. While it would have been better if Renji had been sent back to the Soul Society, if he had returned too soon from a six week mission, it could damage his career in the Gotei 13.

"There, you're done," Blaine said. I felt him unwrap the bandage from my head, and I opened my eyes. "You're still going to be sore, though. I'm not wasting any more energy on you." He turned and placed the bandage next to his bag, and I took the opportunity to sit up.

"Thanks." I started working the stiffness out of my muscles. Three days of absolutely zero movement was going to leave a mark, especially in my flexibility. I felt bruises as I stretched, but that was something I could live with. Blaine shook his head at me as he packed up.

"You're going to have to find your escort if you want to talk to him. I haven't seen him since we got you here. I think he blames himself for your injuries." I had been attempting to stand, but Blaine's words sent me back to my seat.

"It is none of my concern if he blames himself." I said, trying to sound indifferent. In truth, it pained me a great deal when Renji felt responsible for my injuries, especially when it was my fault. He did the same thing when I injured my hand. I could not find him for hours, and, when I did, he was training, trying to get stronger to prevent it from happening again.

Blaine snapped his bag shut and gave me one of his looks, the probing one that always left me uncomfortable. This time was no different. I resisted the urge to squirm in my seat, fully aware Blaine did not believe me.

"I know you want as little to do with him as possible, but you really need to talk to him before he does something stupid," Blaine said, taking his gaze from me. I relaxed. I hated that probing look of his. "I promise, after this training exercise, I will never request Renji Abarai to help in Kimura affairs again."

Blaine walked to the door, and I succeeded in standing this time. Leaning over, I picked up the water flask and set it on the night table, pondering Blaine's words. He might be a pain in the ass, but I could count on him when it mattered most. There were few times in my life when Blaine had not kept a promise he made me, and then only because of orders.

I walked to the window. Other than the soreness that I knew would be there, I felt fine. I could trust Blaine's healing skills as well. That was the one aspect of training he ever showed any excitement about.

I opened the window and stuck my head out, inhaling the sweet nighttime air. Nature always seemed to help me think, and now was no exception. The early evening stars glittered against the velvet sky, and I knew I had to be out there. I hoisted myself to the window ledge and carefully leaned myself out further, looking for the lip of the roof. Finding it, I gripped the window frame as hard as I could with my left hand, feeling the muscles protest at the use, and reached up to grab the lip with my right. Moving my left hand to the lip as well, I pulled myself out of the window and unto the roof. I wandered to where I could see the entire yard and sat down, letting my thoughts drift to Renji.

He was somewhere in the barrier, that much I was certain of. Renji took his job of being my escort too seriously. On our second full day at the house, I gave him permission to go back to town after dinner while I trained, but he chose to stay at the house and watch me. I asked him several times to rethink his decision, but he said he was perfectly fine where he was. The problem tonight was simple: our yard was vast, and Renji could be anywhere.

Renji's whereabouts were the least of my worries, though. There was another problem, one I had no idea how to handle: I had no idea what to say to Renji once I found him. Everything I wanted to say would reveal I knew him better than I should. I drew my knees to my chest and stared at the stars. Blaine was right, like usual. I needed to talk to Renji, but Blaine had no idea how difficult this would be.

A movement caught my eye, and I turned to see a shadow disappear into one of the outer buildings. The shadow was most likely Renji; Sunako and Blaine would have no reason to be in the outer reaches of the yard at this hour, and the shadow had a distinctively pointy top. I made mental note of the location so I could find Renji later. Taking one last look at the waning moon, I stood up. My muscles pulled in protest, so I headed to the staircase instead of trying to scale down the side of the three-story building. I had to do some training tonight before my muscles cramped.

I stopped at the top of the stairs and looked to where I had seen the shadow. As much as I wanted to put it off, I would go in the morning to talk to Renji. I had to convince him it was not his fault I got injured, to stop the emotional abuse I knew he was putting himself through. It was the least I could do after he saved my life.


	5. Chapter 5

I saw the first sliver of sun creep over the horizon as I straightened from a backbend. I had been training and stretching all night. My shoulder popped as I rotated it, the muscles around it angrily protesting, but I was otherwise feeling almost normal. I also used the hours of mundane drills and routines to try to figure out what I would say to Renji, but I had not thought of a thing. I really wished I could just tell him the truth.

"Did you stay out all night?" I turned to see Blaine walk up to the fence, a water flask slung over his shoulder. He yawned and leaned against the fence post, possibly the laziest image of a Kimura guard ever. I did not bother answering, rolling my eyes as I walked to him. He removed the flask and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I said, taking a gulp. I was still thirsty from my recovery, but I forced myself not to drain the water. Too much too fast would not be good.

"Have you talked to him yet?" I almost choked on the water. Trust Blaine to get right to the point. Blaine grabbed the water to keep me from spilling it as I regained composure. Grabbing the flask back, I gave him a disgusted look and took another sip.

"I will take that as a no," Blaine sighed. I turned my back on him and started walking across the arena, trying to get as far away from Blaine as possible. I heard the wood creak as he jumped the fence and followed me. "Will you talk to him today, or am I going to have to call this training mission off early?"

"Give me a break, Blaine!" I whipped my head around, my black hair flying loose from its pinnings and catching Blaine in the face. He flinched and backed up. "I have barely been awake twelve hours! There were other issues I had to deal with!"

I turned on my heel and stormed across the arena, furious with myself for the way I reacted. I never yelled at Blaine. We had our fights, he would piss me off beyond belief, but I would never yell at him, not after everything he did for me after our mother died. Now, though, I had just yelled at him for the second time in a week.

I reached the far end of the arena and leaned against the fence, eyes closed, water flask dangling from my fingers. I did not hear the fall of footsteps on the hard earth. Turning, I saw Blaine in the distance, walking back to the house, his form unusually hunched. I wanted to cry. I hated hurting Blaine, but I did not have time to chase after him and apologize. I had to find Renji and end this.

I climbed over the fence and started walking toward the area I had seen the shadow the night before. It was an older area of the yard, one not well maintained. I kept one eye on the ground as I made my way around weeds and broken cobblestones, my frustration with myself getting in the way of my thoughts. I had to determine something to say so I would not accidentally slip up.

I was approaching the last training arena and weapons' shed when I heard the hiss of a blade cutting through air. My heart leaped. Renji was nearby, but I was not ready to deal with him yet. I needed more time.

I left the path and walked around the shed the long way. As I rounded the edge, I saw Renji standing in the middle of the training field. He brought Zabimaru down in a sweeping motion, the sun dancing on the blade. Renji's muscles danced under his kosode, and my stomach jolted. He had improved a lot since school, his form was stronger. He paused, looking to the sun and wiping sweat from his brow. I took the opportunity to move to the fence.

"Training usually works best when you have a sparring partner," I said, trying not to focus on how the fabric of the kosode pulled across his shoulders. Renji jumped and turned to face me as I leaned against the fence.

"Hikari!" he gasped. His face and neck gleamed in the morning sunlight, his chest heaving gently under his kosode. A few strands of his red hair hang loose from his ponytail, framing his face. My breath caught in my throat. Renji had always been reasonably attractive, but I had never realized how amazing his body actually was…

Where were these thoughts coming from? My heart was pounding again, and I forced myself to think about those details from an objective standpoint. Renji had to have been training for awhile without a care to his well-being. The blame he felt must be intense.

"Shouldn't you still be in bed?" he asked. I shook my head, forcing a smile on my face and trying not to think this new development. I climbed the fence and perched on the top rung. Realizing I still had the flask in my hand, I tossed it to Renji. He fumbled it in surprise, dropping it and Zabimaru. I could not help but laugh as he bent down to pick them up, his face turning crimson.

"My brother is quite skilled in the healing arts," I said once I caught my breath. Renji sheathed Zabimaru and took a drink from the flask, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. I gulped. Whatever this physical attraction was, it was getting stronger. I felt my mask start to slip. I needed to get out of here. I wanted to head back to the house and let Renji come find me when he was ready. I could not, though. He was hurting, abusing himself because he thought it was his fault I got injured. My heart hurt to think of it.

"I'm sorry," Renji whispered, lowering the flask. He bowed his head, studying the ground at his feet. "I failed you. Your brother chose me to keep you safe, and I couldn't even protect you from one lousy Hollow."

"Renji…" I found myself off the fence and halfway across the arena to him before I realized it. I stopped in my tracks. I could not believe what I was doing. When had I lost all control of my actions? Renji was still looking at the ground, still trapped in his perceived shame. "You did not fail."

Renji looked up, and I tried to look away, but I was not fast enough. I found myself caught in his chocolate gaze, found myself being pulled back to the first time I spoke to him…

_I was on the defensive. My fiery headed opponent was pounding on my practice sword, and my hand was growing numb from the repeated blows. I kept retreating, knowing an opening would show itself before long. Sure enough, he pulled his arms too high over his head, leaving his guard wide open. I took my opportunity._

_I twisted low into his guard on his right side. Rising to my full height, I led with an elbow to his ribs. He flinched, opening his guard even more. I grabbed his right wrist, twisting it behind him as I went. Lifting my sword, I laid it to his throat. Had this been a real fight, he would have been dead._

"_Match, Akiyama!" our instructor called out. I released my opponent and walked back to my seat. For the first time in three months, I had actually had a challenge in combat. It was refreshing, but I was still worried my skills would grow dull._

"_How'd you do that?" I looked to my left. There was my pineapple-headed opponent, massaging his ribs as he kept pace with me._

"_I do not know what you are talking about," I said, trying to ignore him. I did not come to the Soul Reaper Academy to make friends. Still, I could not help glancing sidelong at him. His ribs seemed to bothering him quite a bit._

"_I had you on the run, but you went and turned the fight around in three seconds!" I stopped and turned to look at him fully. He was taller than me by just enough to make me tilt my head back. There was shock on his face, probably from me actually acknowledging his presence, but I could see determination in his eyes._

"_You opened up too much on that last swing," I relented, resuming my walk. It would cause no harm if I answered his questions. I heard him scurry to keep up with me. "It was a simple matter, really, to exploit that opening."_

"_But how'd you…?"_

"_I read your moves," I cut him off, turning once more to look at him. "If you had been paying attention, you would have realized my defense was nothing more than a ruse as I waited for an opportunity."_

_He was studying me. His eyes, the color of chocolate, were taking in everything I did. The determination was still there, growing stronger. He had a goal in mind, and he was going to do whatever it took to get there, I could tell._

"_Miss Akiyama, can you help me?" Class let out, everyone started leaving. I felt eyes on my back as my classmates walked past. They had never seen me talk to anyone before. I had no reason to talk to anyone. When these six years were up, I was heading back to the Kimura compound, and I would never see these people again._

"_Absolutely not," I said. Something dimmed in his eyes, and I felt guilt. I had been raised to help a fellow warrior in their skills, I should help him. But I had also been taught not to show outsiders the ways of the clan, not unless they wished to join._

"_Please, Miss Akiyama," he pleaded. "You're obviously the best fighter in our class. I haven't seen you lose a match yet." I turned away, about the leave, but he grabbed my arm. "I need to get stronger. I need to get into the Gotei 13."_

_I looked at his hand. It was not necessarily restraining; I could walk away without any effort to break his grip. I could feel his fingers tremble. I looked at his face. There was fear there, fear that he had done something wrong, but the fierce determination still shone through. He would do anything to achieve his goal, even if it meant dealing with me._

"_I did not catch your name earlier," I said, taking the time to think about what I was going to do._

"_My name is Renji Abarai." The area was mostly empty, save for one blonde-hair boy who seemed to be waiting for Abarai. I sighed. I could not abandon Abarai to pointless training. Only the strongest got into the Gotei 13, and if that was his goal, I would help him._

"_If you are willing to work harder than you ever have before," I began. Abarai's eyes started dancing, the deep chocolate they were lightening up to a more pleasing color. I hesitated, but I forced myself to continue. "I will train you. If you want to become a better fighter, meet me in the courtyard between the barracks after dinner. We will see if you have what it takes."_

"_Of course!" Abarai let go of my arm and bowed to me. "Thank you so much, Miss Akiyama. I'll see you after dinner." He ran off to join the blonde-haired boy, a spring in his step. I shook my head. Abarai was excited now, but we would see how he felt about my help after tonight._

"Hikari, is something wrong?" Renji moved to my side, breaking my gaze and freeing me from my memories. "Do you need to go lay down?"

"I am fine, Renji," I said, shaking my head a bit to clear my thoughts. I forced myself to look at him. He was concerned, worried that what had happened was a side effect of the attack. "I do not need anything."

He backed away as I waved him off, his gaze drifting back to the ground. I sighed. Apparently, my reassurance that he had not failed at his job had not done the trick. Renji had always been difficult when it came to what he viewed as failure. I had to try something else.

"If you had failed, I would not be standing here now," I said, turning away and looking at the morning sun. I crossed my arms, listening for some clue to what Renji was thinking. "I would be dead now if not for your quick actions. Do not blame yourself for my mistakes."

"How are your injuries your mistake?" I whipped around to see Renji storm away from me, further into the arena. I had never heard him so upset, never seen such frustration in his walk. I hurried to follow him, but stopped when he turned to face me, wild abandon in his eyes. "I abandoned my post, and by the time I got back, it was too late! If I hadn't left my post, I would have gotten you to safety before even the first attack! You almost died because I wasn't doing my job!"

Renji paused, his chest heaving in his aggravation. He looked away from me, and I started walking to him. I was oddly calm. For the first time, my heart did not start pounding as I got closer, my stomach stayed still. I had to take away this pain Renji was feeling, I had to make him understand. Even if it had been his fault, I could never blame him.

"Renji," I whispered, stepping in front of him. He would not look up, would not acknowledge my presence before him. Gently, I placed my right hand on his cheek and lifted his face so I could see his sweet eyes. He tried to pull away, but I put my left fingers on his other cheek, trapping him where I could see him. My fingers and palms tingled where I touched his skin; my heart ached at the pain I saw in his eyes. "You are not to blame."

"It's my…" Renji began, but I shook my head.

"I do not want to hear it. You did nothing wrong," I whispered, releasing his face and walking away. I wrapped my arms around my waist. That brief contact took more out of me than I realized a simple touch could. My head was spinning, but I could not let Renji know. "I should have realized a Hollow was appearing before you arrived, but I was distracted by my own thoughts. I was careless, and my carelessness is what led to my injuries, not you."

I saw the water flask lying on the ground where Renji dropped it during his outburst. I picked it up and drank, trying to regain what little composure I had left. I heard footsteps approach, and I turned to see Renji walking toward me. He did not look angry with himself anymore. Instead, his eyes spoke of confusion and conflict.

"Hikari…" He seemed to struggle with his words, unsure of what to say. I tossed the flask aside and took a step away from him. I was uncomfortable standing this close to him, but any further movement would create a situation I could not handle.

"I never want to hear you blame yourself for my injuries ever again." I tried to stop him before he could bring up whatever he struggling to say. Renji stopped in his tracks, still watching me with confusion in his eyes. I tried to ignore it, but my heart started racing again. The way he looked at me, the way his lips struggled to form whatever words he wanted to say…

I closed my eyes. I could not take this anymore. The whirlpool of emotions kept growing, dragging me deeper into a land of confusion. I was losing my mind, my body was not listening to me anymore. If it kept going like this, Renji would find himself trapped in the clan. Everything about this simple training exercise was wrong. Renji should not be my escort, I should not be struggling with feelings I did not understand. I needed a refuge.

"Move to the center of the arena," I said. My breathing was labored, my voice weak. I heard the dry crunch of the grass as Renji took a step toward me. "I am going to make sure you do not blame yourself ever again."

"What do you mean?" I opened my eyes and looked at Renji. There was confusion still in his eyes, but it was different type of confusion. I took a breath. I was going to regret this. What I was about to do would ensure Renji's continued interaction with the clan if Blaine or Daddy found out.

"I am going to train you the way I do the members of the guard," I said. "You are a strong warrior already, Renji, but you can get better. I am going to help you so you never feel the need to blame yourself again."

"I am not going to fight you, Hikari!" Renji yelled. I crossed my arms and stared at him, right eyebrow raised. I knew he was going to react this way, but focusing on training was the only way I could deal with interacting with him right now. Just preparing for combat was shaking away all these messed up feelings I had. My mind felt clearer than it had in a long time. "You just got off your deathbed; I am not going to…!"

"I would be amazed if you even landed a blow," I cut him off. I turned and started pacing around him, looking away and letting my guard completely down. "You are quite skilled, your battle with the Hollow proved that, but do you have what it takes to fight a commander of the Kimura clan?"

"What do you mean?" I glanced sidelong and smiled. He had not moved from his spot, but he was following me. My challenge had been aimed at his pride, a nerve I knew I could manipulate easily enough. A few more seconds, and I could forget everything that had happened today.

"I had been training since I could walk," I taunted. "My father and grandfather were commanders before me. There is a legacy my family carries, one I doubt an unranked member of the Gotei 13 can handle."

I saw a flash of movement as Renji finally took the bait. I turned and grabbed his fist, twisting it down and into his side. Sweeping his legs from under him, I pushed him away and sent him sprawling. I waited as he climbed back on his feet, a smile on my lips. This felt right, like it did back in school. Training with Renji was something I could handle.

"For the next five weeks, we will spend time training when we are not in town," I said once he stood. He was rubbing his wrist, and I took the opportunity to continue training. Renji pulled back from my kick, but I caught his kosode with the punch that followed. He backed away, getting a few steps between us.

"Do not run away from your opponent." I followed with another punch. My balance became precarious as I overextended my reach, and Renji darted in to try and take advantage of it. He went for my stomach, and I rolled with it, contracting my spine and falling to the ground. I kept my momentum going, kicking out halfway through my roll and catching Renji in the shoulders. I landed in a crouch and looked at him. He was holding his shoulder, but otherwise seemed to be enjoying the fight.

"There's no way," he muttered. I smiled and stood. My muscles sang from the use. It had been awhile since I had a proper sparring session with anyone, and I wanted to enjoy it.

"I hope you are not going to quit already," I teased. I knew he would not. The first night I trained with him in school, I was the one to call it quits. Renji would have kept going all night if I let him.

"Not even close," Renji growled. He removed his zanpakuto sheath from his waist and threw it aside. My grin grew.

"Good." I darted back in, glad for this distraction.


	6. Chapter 6

Renji and I spent all the time we were not in town training. Over and over again, I drilled Renji in things he should not know. If Blaine or Daddy found out, all my hopes of keeping Renji out of the Kimura clan would be dashed. Still, I could not help but feel pride as Renji mastered technique after technique. Our journeys into town were uneventful. Occasionally, we felt the presence of a Hollow, but they were a long way off. When my training ended, Renji and I left Sunako to pack up the house and headed to the Senkaimon at the edge of the grounds.

"Thank you for your help, Renji," I said, pulling the key for the Senkaimon from the string around my neck. "You were a valuable asset to me and the clan."

"I'm glad I could be of service." I glanced over my shoulder. Renji's eyes were on me, like they had been every second of the day since the Hollow attack. This time, though, that familiar flicker of recognition was dancing in the depths. Shuddering at the chill that crept down my spine, I pulled the key free and held it in front of me. Hurriedly, I muttered a few words in the clan's tongue.

"I hope you remember the code of secrecy," I said, tucking the key in my pocket and watching the doors slide open. "And I hope your captain looks favorably on your service to the Kimura clan." The gates finished opening, and I made to head towards them.

"Hikari," Renji said, putting a restraining hand on my shoulder, "before we go back, can I ask a question?"

"Of course," I said, turning to face him. My stomach jumped, and I spent a moment looking at his tattoos before I could brace myself to meet his eyes. Renji swallowed, sending his Adam's apple bobbing. I fought the urge to close my eyes and turn away.

"When your brother was recruiting for this mission, he said we might be needed for more than one job," Renji began. I had an idea where he was going, but I held my tongue, waiting for him to continue. "What did he mean?"

"Sometimes, we need outsiders to help on missions or on training exercises," I said after a few seconds. I started chewing on my lower lip, wondering what else I could say. "I doubt we will ever need your help again, though, Renji, if that is what concerns you."

"No, that's not, I mean…" Renji stumbled over whatever he wanted to say, but I was distracted by the pulsing power of the Senkaimon. It wanted to close. Renji and I would have to move fast to make it.

"Let us go," I said, turning back to the gate. "We can discuss your future duties more back at the compound." Though, if I had my way, Renji's "future duties" would all be with his squad in the Seireitei.

XXXXXXX

"Absolutely not!" My father looked at me over the desk as I paced his office. This could not be happening. Blaine had promised me Renji would not be involved in our clan anymore once the training exercise was up. And for years, that had been the case. I had neither seen nor heard from Renji since the last day of that exercise, and I had allowed myself to forget all those confusing emotions.

"Hikari," my father began, but I slammed my hands onto his desk. I heard the chair behind me squeak as Blaine jumped from his seat.

"We cannot allow him to come back to the compound!" I yelled. I wanted to cry. This could not be happening. Renji was supposed to be safe from all future involvement, Blaine promised. I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, and more followed. I could not stop them as the floodgate opened.

"Come here, my daughter," my father said. I shook my head, frustrated with myself for behaving like a child would. What had started as a simple briefing meeting was turning into a nightmare. I heard the scrape of my father's chair as he pushed back, the steady beat of his footsteps on the wood floor as he approached me.

"Hikari," my father whispered, pulling me into his arms. I struggled slightly, but I let him embrace me. Even though it had been years since he had last been in the field, Daddy had not lost any of his strength. I felt protected, safe from the whirlwind of emotions that started reappearing at the mention of Renji's name. I felt Blaine come up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist, gently laying his head on my shoulder. "Hitachi has already been sent to retrieve sixth-seat Renji Abarai."

"Why him?" I sobbed. Blaine tightened his grip, and I wanted nothing more than to melt into the warmth of my brother and my father. I wanted to go back to when I was a child, when all it took was a hug to banish my fears and my nightmares. "Why do we need Renji's help?"

Daddy pulled back and looked at my face. Even though my tears had stopped, I knew my eyes still held unshed tears. Daddy smiled his half-smile, the one that told me he wanted nothing more than to give me what I wanted, but could not. "You know how our clan works, my child. We do not involve anymore outsiders than are necessary."

"Renji should have never been involved in the first place." I pulled out of Blaine's and Daddy's arms and walked to the overstuffed armchair I usually sat in. Flopping into it in my disgust, I stared at the pile of files sitting on my father's desk.

"He had passed the tests at scores much higher than the rest," Daddy said, walking back to his seat. I felt a swell of pride at how well Renji did, but I quickly quashed it. This was no entrance exam into the Gotei 13, this was the start of the entire mess. I saw movement as Blaine flopped into the chair next to mine, but I still stared at the files, trying to understand their secrets. "There was no indication he would be anything but an asset to us."

"What is he assisting us with this time?" I could not keep the bitterness from my voice. I had helped Renji become good enough to get embroiled in my family. My extra training during school had unintentionally given him an edge when it came to helping the clan. Daddy grabbed one of the files from his desk and held it out. Reluctantly, I leaned forward and grabbed it. No matter what was inside, it would not justify Renji's involvement.

I flipped the folder open and started shuffling through the documents, not really taking in what was there. I stopped when I came across a picture of a creature similar to that of a Menos Grande, but completely different. Unlike the Menos, it had several sets of arms and no Hollow hole. I had never seen such a creature. Flipping back to the beginning of the file, I began to read the information, my irritation at the situation fading. There were so many unanswered questions, so little data had been collected.

"These creatures had been spotted outside our compound several times in the last month," Daddy said. I finished the file, but I quickly flipped back to the beginning and began reading again. I had to have missed something, there was no way our intelligence units had such scant information after a month. "Normally, they would not be an issue, but they have been getting closer to the compound walls. I do not think they pose any threat to us, but I do not want to take any chances."

"Have they been seen near the Seireitei?" I asked, closing the file. I had missed nothing. Everything we knew was in those files, and we knew practically nothing. If these creatures meant us any harm, we would have to rely on luck to defend ourselves.

"I was hoping sixth-seat Abarai would be able to tell us that." I looked up at Daddy. I could understand using outsiders for information, but it still did not explain why Renji was being brought to the compound. I was about to point this out when Daddy continued, "I was also hoping he would be willing to protect you until this situation sorts itself out."

"I do not need an outsider as a bodyguard!" I snapped. I saw a blur of movement as Blaine jumped out of his seat and headed to the door. He was sure my anger would be directed to him next, I could tell. For now, though, I was focused on my father. "There are plenty of people in the clan who would be more than willing to lay their lives down for me!"

"Hikari, my decision is final." I wanted to argue, but I kept my mouth shut. My father rarely used that tone of voice, but when he did, it was best to back away. "Sixth-seat Abarai is to be your bodyguard for the duration of this situation, and I do not want to hear any orders dictating otherwise."

"Yes, sir," I said. I was trembling. I could not believe this. There was no way Renji was going to get out of this mess without becoming permanently entangled in the clan's affairs. Throwing the file on my father's desk, I stormed from his office. I had ruined Renji's life.

"Hikari," Blaine said, pushing off the wall as I passed him, "I am…"

"I do not want to hear it, Blaine," I snapped. I felt him hesitate, but he quickly caught up to me. I quickened my pace.

"Hikari, will you stop?" He grabbed my shoulder, turning me to face him.

"Why did you not keep your promise?" I hissed. Blaine dropped his hand and stepped back, hurt in his eyes. "Why did you not stop him?"

"I tried, Hikari, but you know how Dad gets," Blaine said, reaching for me once more. I batted his hand away, but regretted it instantly as Blaine's whole form slumped. It was not Blaine's fault for this mess, it was mine. I was the one who set Renji on this path a long time ago.

"He cannot find out the truth," I whispered, tears forming once again. I reached behind me, trying to find the wall. As soon as my fingers brushed the smooth tapestries that hung in the hall, I slumped backwards. Blaine flinched at the resounding thud when my back hit, but I enjoyed the brief moment of pain. It was a welcome distraction from everything else that was going on.

"He will not find out anything," Blaine said, sitting on my right side. I shook my head, tucking down so my forehead rested on my knees. Blaine could promise all he wanted, but he knew as well as I that they were empty words. The servants usually did not encounter outsiders; they would most likely slip up. If not a servant, one of the more inexperienced members of the guard would say something. And the longer Renji stayed, the more likely he would hear something from the people I trusted most.

"I cannot ruin his life more than I already have," I sobbed. I felt Blaine drape his arm over my back and pull me close to his side.

"I will take care of it, Hikari, do not worry," Blaine whispered into my hair. "Let your big brother take care of it. You just focus on keeping Renji in the first ring." I turned my head and looked at him. He was pale, afraid of what Daddy would do when he found out what Blaine was doing. I felt a lump rise in my throat. My entire life, Blaine had always been there to pick me up. When he learned to heal, he wasted enormous amounts of energy healing every scrape and bruise I acquired. It was due to Blaine I even had the chance to meet Renji in the first place, and here I was, repaying him by making his life difficult.

"Blaine," I whispered. I had to stop his mad plan, whatever it was. I could not sacrifice my family's harmony because of how one outsider made me feel.

"Do not worry, Hikari," Blaine said, lifting his head and smiling at me. "I have ten years on you in dealing with Dad. I will be fine." He pushed to his feet and turned, holding out his hand for me. Hesitantly, I grabbed it and let him pull me to my feet. I did not feel good about this, not at all. This whole situation was going to end in some type of disaster, and I was standing in the middle of it all.

"I am going to go train," I whispered, pulling my hand out of Blaine's grip. He nodded, eyes glazed as he figured what he would need to do to keep Renji in the dark. I walked to the stairs and headed down them. There was not much Blaine could do, but I tried to put my faith in my brother. He would do what he could, like he always did.

The courtyard surrounding the house was empty, the servants and guards busy elsewhere. Taking a breath, I let my mind wander, tracking the spiritual energies of the clan. Everyone was busy, oblivious to the trouble their princess felt. I wanted to join their happy oblivion. It would be so pleasant to forget all my worries, to just live a normal life. Of course, any member of the Kimura clan lived lives that were anything but normal, but the subjects in the clan led a much more normal life than I could ever hope to have.

I adjusted the straps of my black tank top and stared at the cobblestone path before me. If I followed it, I would find myself at the main gate, probably in time to greet Hitachi and Renji as they arrived. As much as I did not want to see Renji right now, I had to. Blaine had given me one simple task in his plan to keep Renji oblivious; keep him in the first ring. The training yards and barracks that made up the first ring were used by some of our more experienced guards, members of the clan who were less likely to slip up should some outsider find their way into the walls.

Sighing, I started briskly jogging down the path. I would have to spend my time in the first ring as well. Luckily, I had a room already set up for me in the barracks for the nights I was too tired to make it back to the house. There were nearby rooms that were empty. Renji could have one of those while he was in the compound.

I heard a shout as I entered the third ring. Looking up, I saw Miyako leaving one of the barracks and heading for me. I stopped. I really did not want to talk to anyone right now, but Miyako might be the one person in the entire compound who could help me.

"My lady, is something bothering you?" she asked as she drew near me. I did not know where to start. There was the whole issue with Renji, and what Blaine was planning. There were my feelings of guilt at dragging Blaine through the mud again. The outburst at Daddy during our meeting…

"There is an outsider coming to the compound," I said, trying to keep calm. If I stuck to the facts, I might be able to keep my composure. "He has been assigned to guard me from a potential threat to our perimeter. I will be spending some time in the first ring." I started jogging again, Miyako falling into step beside me.

"Would this outsider be the same one who you almost broke your brother's arm over?" she asked. I winced. Dante would have told Miyako soon after it happened; they both were part of my personal guard. Even if that had not been the case, I could hardly fault Dante for sharing his day's work with his wife.

"It is the same outsider," I admitted. I would not look at Miyako. I did not want to see whatever look she was giving me, although I could probably guess. I was almost certainly getting that knowing look. "Blaine wants me to keep him in the first ring."

"Of course," she said. We left the third ring and entered the second. There was more action here than in the previous ring. Guards were scurrying about, jumping fences and calling greetings. I acknowledged guards where I could, but my focus was elsewhere. I felt two spiritual pressures approaching the outer walls of the compound. Soon, Hitachi would be here with Renji. If I was not at the gates when they opened, Hitachi would surely lead Renji to the main house. I picked up my pace.

"Lady Hikari, I must part," Miyako said as we reached a fork in the path. I nodded my acknowledgment. As she split from me, I thought of something I needed.

"When you see Dante, tell him I wish to speak with him," I called over my shoulder. I did not wait for Miyako's response. Like any other member of the guard, she would obey my wishes. I needed to hurry, though. I was barely halfway through the second ring, and I could hear the distant groan of the gates getting pulled open.

I slowed as I reached the first ring. If I ran to the gate, Hitachi might think there was some sort of trouble. In truth, there was a lot of trouble, but it was not something my silent guardian could help me with. Trying to gather what little composure I had left for the day, I strode to the gate, a fake smile plastered on my face.

"Hitachi, I will take it from here," I said. My voice sounded a bit strained, but I was pleased I was able to talk. My gaze was drawn to Renji. He did not look as uncomfortable entering the compound as he did years ago, but seeing the twenty foot doors open for the first time would unnerve anyone. My face relaxed, my smile becoming more natural. I might not want him here, but I could not help but be glad he was alive and well. "It is good to see you again, Renji."

"Hikari," Renji said, taking a half step around Hitachi. His voice sounded strange, almost as if he was trying to convey some deeper meaning behind my name. Hitachi glanced at him before walking to me, remaining silent the entire time. Stopping briefly beside me, he rested his hand on my shoulder before continuing. Hitachi would report to my father that I had met them at the gate. I hoped Blaine would not get in trouble this soon.

"I hope Hitachi told you why you are needed here at the compound," I said. Renji nodded. "Good. Let me show you where you are staying." I turned and headed to the nearest barracks. I heard footsteps, and I glanced to see Renji keeping pace at my left, like he did in school. A knot twisted in my stomach.

"Hikari, could I talk to you about something?" I stumbled briefly, but I kept going, hoping Renji did not notice. He did not appear to, instead seeming to focus on each cobblestone before him. I had no idea what Renji wished to talk to me about, especially since we had not seen each other for years previous. Whatever it was, I had a feeling I would not like it at all.

"Not right now, Renji," I said. The last thing I wanted to do was completely turn him away. I needed him to trust me if I was going to keep him from getting too ensnared in the clan. Still, I did not want to have this talk Renji mentioned. "There is much I have yet to do today, and little time to do it. Maybe later?"

"Of course." My heart ached. He sounded so disappointed at my refusal to talk now, but he understood. To him, after all, I was a commander of the clan's guard, and being commander meant a lot of responsibilities. He would wait.


	7. Chapter 7

**According to my story statistics, several people have skipped the previous chapter and read this one instead. I have uploaded three chapters recently, and this is only the most recent. If you haven't read anything since Hikari woke up from the Hollow attack, please go back and read chapter 5 and 6 first.**

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><p>Three hours and many made up tasks later, I was laying on one of the weapon's sheds in the first ring. The stars danced above me, and I felt a sort of peace I had not felt in a while. Renji was on the other side of the ring, eating dinner with some of the guards. I had informed the guards to keep him busy until I came to collect him. Even if he somehow managed to escape his escort, he would have trouble finding me, giving me some much needed time to think.<p>

"There you are." I tilted my head back and saw him climb onto the roof, my hopes shattering instantly. He made his way over to me and sat beside me. Reluctantly, I sat up and looked at him.

"You should be at dinner," I admonished. Renji reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple, waving it briefly in front of me before taking a bite. Internally, I groaned in disgust. I wanted some time alone, but I could already tell that would be hard to come by.

"I still need to talk to you, Hikari," he said, lowering the apple and leaning back to look at the skies. "You've been busy all afternoon. I was hoping you'd have some time for me now."

"Renji, now is hardly the…" I trailed off. As soon as I started speaking, he had turned his head to look at me, trapping me in his chocolate stare. The familiar determination I had seen so many times before was back. He was not going to give up until he had his conversation.

"You remind me of somebody I care about a great deal," he whispered, turning over the apple in his hands. "It's…eerie."

"I am sure it is," I whispered. The two feet of space between us suddenly was not enough. Even if we had been on opposite sides of the roof, I doubt that would have been enough room. Renji took another bite of the apple, and I took the opportunity to break my gaze away. I had to stop this conversation. Nothing good could come of where he could be going with it, and I already had enough troubles. Instead of speaking or leaving, though, I ended up drawing my knees to my chest and buried my head in my arms, fear clenched in my chest.

"She was like nobody I had known before," he whispered. I felt his eyes lock on me, the apple forgotten in his hand. "You remember how I asked you about Hotaru Akiyama?" I nodded, wishing I could lie. I wished Renji would just forget whatever it was he wanted to say to me. He did not, though, instead plowing on. "I made a horrible mistake with her." I turned my head to look at him, but otherwise did not move as my brain screamed at my limbs to move. Deep in my heart, I knew where Renji was going, and I did not want to hear this.

"She meant more to me than she could ever guess," he whispered, playing with the apple again. "It took me over a year to realize that, and another year to gather the courage to even mention to her what I felt. When I had the chance, I chickened out and didn't say anything." He reached out with his left hand and rested it on my foot. I tensed. I had to get out of here. "She left, heading into the unknown to find the Kimura compound. I thought everything I had felt for her went with her, that I could never feel that way about somebody else again."

"Renji," I managed to whisper. I barely heard my own voice above my pounding heart, but he heard me. He moved closer to me, making that two foot barrier between us nonexistent. His left hand drifted up my leg, sending chills up my nerves and to my spine, before resting on my hand. Electricity joined the chills, and I wanted to flee.

"Shhh," he whispered, drifting even closer. He brought his right hand to my face, gently laying his fingers on my left cheek. "Let me finish." I could not breathe, his face coming ever closer to mine, his chocolate orbs catching my brilliant green ones. "You are the most amazing person I have ever met." I tried to pull away, but my body still refused to listen. His touch was fire. I was painfully aware of every inch of his body in relation to mine, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into his lap and let him hold me. "There's been hardly a day where I haven't thought of you. All those emotions I thought I'd never feel again…"

"Renji," I said again, my voice choked, "please…" He lifted his left hand from its spot on my hand, pushing my bangs back as he rested his palm on my right cheek. His fingers brushed against my ear, forcing my eyes to close briefly in a moment of pure bliss. This could not be happening. I struggled to wake up from the fog that was starting to swirl in my mind. My thoughts grew sluggish.

"Hikari, I…" he whispered, adjusting his right hand so his fingers were now stroking my neck. He was still leaning in, but he was also drawing my face to him. His breath caressed my face, and I found myself leaning in toward him. "I think I…" His nose touched mine, our breaths mingling in the few millimeters between our lips. "I…"

The air shattered as a piercing siren began its song. I instantly reacted, pulling away from Renji and rising to my feet. Panic at what happened drove me to the furthest edge of the roof from him. I struggled to clear my mind as I scanned the wall, but I could not. I had completely lost control of my body, I had let Renji manipulate me into a situation I had no control over.

"What is it?" I jumped at his voice behind me. I half turned to watch him approach, his right hand on his zanpakuto's hilt. "Hikari, what's wrong?"

"Something breached the perimeter," I said, turning away and forcing my thoughts to business. I would worry about what happened later. "I need to head to the main house."

"I'll come with you." He was right behind me now. I could feel his body heat through the thin cotton of my tank top and pants.

"No." I turned to look at him, freezing momentarily as I caught his gaze. It was lingering on me, with little concern to the walls. In its depths, a fire burned, probably stoked by what almost happened. I shook it off. I had work to do, I could not let my body control my decisions. "You are going to head to your barrack and await further instruction."

"I was brought here to guard you," he argued, grabbing my arm. "I'm coming with." I glared at him and tried to shake free. It was bad enough his very presence caused me to lose control, but now I had to deal with his stubborn attitude as well. I was running out of time. I had to get going.

"Commander, you need to…"

"I know, Dante," I snapped. I had not realized Dante was approaching us, and his sudden appearance on the roof startled me. Add the surprise to an already short temper due to Renji's disobedience and the mess of emotions I was feeling over what happened, and I had been shorter with Dante than I intended. I forced Renji to let go and walked to the ladder, Dante's ever observant eyes taking in my every motion. I stopped at the top of the ladder and turned to Renji. He had not followed me yet, but I could see hurt in his eyes over my sudden dismissal of him.

"Please, Renji," I begged, shifting tactics. "Please just go to your barrack and wait for more instruction." Dante's eyes darted between Renji and me. He knew something was up. I never asked a command, and any subordinate who dared challenge their order was quickly reminded of their place. Slowly, Renji nodded, understanding taking the place of the hurt, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Now I just had to get out of here before—

"My lady, we need to get you out of here." Damn it. The one thing I did not want Renji to hear, ever, was just uttered before him. I closed my eyes, my body tense. Cracking my eyes open, I saw Dante watching me, waiting to see what I would do, or possibly awaiting my instruction on how to deal with this. Renji stood, hand clenching Zabimaru's hilt like it was the only thing that still made sense.

"My lady?" he whispered. I could not move. Everything I had worked for since I met him at the Academy was shattered. Renji's fate was sealed. He would never be allowed to leave the compound and return to his post in the Gotei 13. I forced my eyes open completely, only to find myself staring at a silent plea from Renji. His eyes begged for the truth, for a counter-utterance to what he heard, but I could not speak. What could I say? I was a noblewoman, a member of one of the most powerful houses in the Soul Society. I was trained from a young age not to lie when the truth was out there, but I was hell-bent on not confirming it.

"My lady…"

"I know!" The guard flinched. I felt the rest of his unit arrive on the roof and grounds, patiently waiting for me to move. I could not. Renji had me caught in his hurt gaze.

I felt a hand rest on my shoulder, breaking the spell I was caught in. Turning, I saw Dante had moved to my side. I wanted to run, to leave the compound and not come back. Everything was destroyed, there was no fixing this mess up.

"I will take care of it, my lady," Dante whispered for my ears only. I nodded. I had to leave. The perimeter had been breached. I heard the shuffle of an unsure foot on the roof and turned to see Renji moving toward me.

"Hikari," he whispered, giving voice to his plea. I could not do this. With tears fighting to make an appearance, I turned my back on Renji and used flash step to get out of there.


End file.
